Why Boundary Setting Feels So Hard- And Why Midlife Is The Right Time To Start
Boundary setting can feel hard, particularly if you’ve developed people-pleasing tendencies from childhood but it can also be a powerful tool to support your mental health.
What do you think of when you hear the word “boundaries”?
For many women — especially those who’ve spent decades caregiving, keeping the peace, or making themselves available to everyone — setting boundaries can feel deeply uncomfortable. It might bring up anxiety, guilt, or fear of conflict. Saying “no,” asking for help, or even just pausing to consider your own needs can feel selfish… even when you’re running on empty.
You’re not alone if this feels familiar.
In fact, it’s because we’ve been taught to be helpful, flexible, and accommodating that so many of us in midlife end up feeling burned out, emotionally overloaded, and resentful — often without fully understanding why.
Why midlife is often a tipping point
By midlife, most women are holding a lot. Juggling careers, parenting teens or young adults, caring for ageing parents, managing households — often while trying to maintain friendships, show up at work, and still somehow find time to care for their own health.
And somewhere along the way, you may have lost sight of your own place in the picture.
Boundary setting isn’t just about saying “no.” It’s about protecting your time, energy and emotional well-being so you can keep showing up — without running yourself into the ground.
Common beliefs that make boundary setting hard
As I support women through burnout, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm, I often hear similar phrases when we touch on boundary setting:
“Saying no feels selfish.”
“If I ask for help, I’m burdening others.”
“What if people important to me think I’m being distant or demanding?”
These beliefs aren’t personal flaws — they’re the result of social conditioning, especially for women. Many of us learned early on that our value came from how much we gave, not how well we looked after ourselves.
But when we live by those rules for too long, we can lose sight of what we actually value, what we need, and what well-being even looks like in our relationships.
What happens when we don’t set boundaries?
1. We lose ourselves.
When you’re constantly absorbing others’ needs, it becomes harder to recognise your own. You might stop asking yourself: What do I want? What do I need to feel well and supported in this relationship?
2. Burnout becomes the baseline.
Overextending becomes so normal that we don't even register how exhausted we are. It shows up as irritability, emotional detachment, or the "I just can’t anymore" feeling. You’re functioning… but you’re not okay.
3. Resentment builds.
If you're always saying “it’s fine” when it’s not, it creates pressure — like steam in a kettle with no release. Eventually, it boils over into bitterness, conflict, or emotional shut-down.
4. Miscommunication increases.
When your needs go unspoken, others are left guessing. Assumptions are made, and conflict becomes more likely — not because you’ve done something wrong, but because you weren’t fully heard or seen.
What boundary setting can actually give you
1. Clarity and calm.
Boundaries help you name what’s okay and what’s not. It’s not just about refusal — it’s about giving others a clear roadmap for how they can support and relate to you.
2. Space for what matters.
Every time you say yes to something out of guilt or obligation, you might be saying no to something that actually matters to you. Boundaries help you pause, reflect, and respond with intention.
3. Healthier, more honest relationships.
Many women fear that setting boundaries will push people away — but the opposite is often true. When you’re clear and self-respecting, you teach others how to treat you. You model the kind of relationship you want to have: mutual, honest, and respectful.
Simple ways to start practicing boundary setting
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Start small:
Say what is okay. Instead of just saying “don’t do that,” try: “I’d prefer if we did it this way…” Clarity creates connection.
Don’t apologise for your needs. Try: “Thanks for understanding” rather than “Sorry, but…”
Learn to delay rather than default to yes. Try: “That’s not possible for me right now, but I can revisit it in a few weeks.”
Offer alternatives. If you can’t help, maybe you can refer someone else. Or simply say, “I’m at capacity, but I hope it goes well.”
Remember this…
You can only give from what you have.
Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about staying well enough to keep showing up for the people you care about — and for yourself.
You deserve relationships that are built on mutual understanding, respect and care, not silent sacrifice.
Want support with boundary setting?
If this speaks to you, join us for an in person workshop on reducing anxiety and setting boundaries in midlife — with myself (Kara Roberts, Women's Health Dietitian) and Psychologist Emma Lightfoot (Inside Out Wellness & Psychology.
📍 The Waterfront, Shell Cove
🗓️ Tuesday 1st July (7-9pm)
We’d love to help you carve out space for you again.
👉 Or book your free discovery call with me today and let’s make space for you to prioritise your health and wellness, minus the dieting so you can thrive in midlife
References
Coates, D., & Howe, D. (2015). The importance and benefits of personal boundaries. Mental Health Review Journal, 20(3), 162–172. https://doi.org/10.1108/MHRJ-10-2014-0031
Gilligan, C. (1982). In a different voice: Psychological theory and women’s development. Harvard University Press.
Grosch, W. N., & Olsen, D. C. (2000). Clergy burnout: An integrative approach. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 56(5), 619–632. https://doi.org/10.1002/(SICI)1097-4679(200005)56:5<619::AID-JCLP4>3.0.CO;2-R
Hochschild, A. R., & Machung, A. (2012). The second shift: Working families and the revolution at home (Rev. ed.). Penguin Books.
Jack, D. C. (1991). Silencing the self: Women and depression. Harvard University Press.
Krueger, R. A., & Casey, M. A. (2015). Focus groups: A practical guide for applied research (5th ed.). SAGE Publications.
Lange, A., & Jakubowski, P. (1976). Responsible assertive behavior: Cognitive/behavioral procedures for trainers. Research Press.
Maslach, C., Schaufeli, W. B., & Leiter, M. P. (2001). Job burnout. Annual Review of Psychology, 52, 397–422. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.52.1.397
